"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."
- Hermann Hesse

"Here you go again, philosophizing about what personal expression, creation, and authenticity are all about. Have you noticed that you have some problems expressing issues that don't fall within the norm, Gemini? Your strong will and desire to be appreciated get in your way. It isn't easy to express yourself authentically when you're trying to make an impression on others."

It's hard to not feel as though you control your own emotions. Like Eleanor, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." It is just difficult to trick yourself to feel that way. Horoscopes pounding it in:

"Take care that your self-esteem doesn't depend on what other people tell you, Gemini. One minute a bit of flattery may send you high as a kite, and the next minute some criticism may have you feeling down in the dumps. Do your best to not let others blow you up and then deflate you as if you're nothing but a balloon."

I'm grateful for snow! The reflection of light off the white in the dark of winter. I'm grateful for the cold making warm things feel warmer. No matter how painful it is, I am grateful to tear my academic muscles , so every time they heal I am stronger. 30 min presentation, done. Carrot juice, yum. Shoes with a very satisfying clop. Parkinson's group today. Donating blood. Full of love and anticipation.

Roseus, is my soul today.

"First you adapt, then you adept."
-Robert W. Terry

"Adaptation is a process of self-discovery that can take many forms: it applies to our spiritual, cognitive, and physical self."
-Susan Holton

Soft kisses, your warm cheek, your gentle, steady hand.

Photograph

Christmas Horoscope

"The celestial configuration may bring you closer together to a certain person with whom you have recently become romantically involved. Neither of you has exactly rushed into the relationship, yet you both have the intuition that you are meant for each other, and so time is not really an issue. You both feel secure in each other's company, and are very content to deepen the bond between you."

oion to glukumalon ereuthetai akroi ep' usdoi,
akron ep' akrotatoi, lelathonto de malodropees.
ou man eklelathont', all' ouk edunant' epikesthai.

[the bride]
just like a sweet apple that ripens on the uppermost bough,
on the top of the topmost; but the apple-gatherers have forgotten it,
or rather, they haven't altogether forgotten it, but they could not reach it.

-SAPPHO, Fragment 105A V.

Campus Martius

The talk of possibly ice skating in the future got me excited. Then I remembered this beautiful poem the mother of one of my past preschool students wrote:

I used to be afraid of dying.
a canopied nightmare wrapped in
rainbow sheets
soaked in fear of nothing and forever
Id jump out of my bed
and down the steps
into the arms of a mortal mommy
whose hugs would slow down my racing heart
It used to be the threat of nuclear attack
and that last chapter in the bible
that spun me faster than a top.
but death was a for-sure thing…
I knew life wasn’t all swings and slides
but
if old age meant rocking chairs and checkers
I could understand being tired of living/
still… death and its doneness were scary things
and infinity was a burning pyre of options.
There was nothing that I couldn’t imagine getting tired of…
until I saw your smile and your eyes bright and wild
as we ice skated in the middle of the city/
Facing Woodward and our future
u holding on to me
my hands sticking to the freezing rail
people passing in the streak that used to be my life/
I hold you up and let you fall
as my instincts tell me to
we leave only when our hands tremble from cold
my smile frozen/ begging for the warmth of yours in return
and the fear I felt now drips soggy and desperate
so vulnerable to you
so powerless to this force that entered my life
2 months early and right on time.
My winter baby
all cotton and down
You splash a cold breath on my life
as you release my hand
and wake me to renewal
I watch before you land
my young sprite
full of all things living and present
death so vacant and simple
an unworthy rival to the brown eyes peeking under your cap.

This new blackberry tea reminds me of a nice frumpy sweater for typing work...and those wonderful candies that remind me of my grandparents and an earlier time.



You've got me checking horoscopes again.

"Emotions may cloud your thoughts as things start to heat up in a heavy way, Gemini."

Since they started falling, I've been picking up leaves here and there. Last year, I reserved the enormous ones for posting on my wall, but this weekend I will be putting up everything in a glorious hodge-podge of autumn.

When there's a defining moment each day, I search the earth floor for the perfect leaf. I then tuck it away in my notebook as a reminder. One for anticipation, one for when I had a challenging clinical, one for new friends, one for a reunion with old. I found the most beautiful, chocolate brown leaf, unlike any I've ever see--for an unexpectedly pleasant evening. The ones that bleed red have especially been imprinted on my brain. I tape it to the door.

Mandy posted her zen tarot on her blog, which I found very applicable to my life right now.

"1) Letting Go: let go of that finished thing that defined you; letting go represents liberation

2) Receptivity: welcome a time of no expectations, no rewards; dissolving all of the obstacles that keep separate from the whole, from each other

3) Control: “there’s more to life than ‘being on top of things’”


Very glad to read today! I’m trying to take risks, and not worry as much, and be assertive, and manifest, and actually feel like I DESERVE things and then GET THEM. Yeah?! It’s a crazy, powerful shift in mindset.

Ugly readings at the Mug

"As a grandfather I'm entitled to a few words of advice to the young, based upon my long and unvarying experience as a transgressor. I can sum them up with these answers to the oft-repeated question, "What would you do or not do if you had it all to do over again?"

I would spend more time with my children.
I would make my money before spending it.
I would learn the joys of wine instead of hard liquor.
I would not smoke cigarettes when I had pneumonia.
I would not marry the fifth time."

-An Open Book by John Huston

‎"I am selfish, impatient, and a little insecure, I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst than you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
-Marilyn Monroe

I still like you, Arcade Fire

This week I listened to Sound Check on NPR, where everyone was bashing Arcade Fire for being trendy, theatrical, various reasons. However, I really don't mind the new album, The Suburbs. Aside from the song Rococo, I've been obsessed with the song "Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains." It's like everything I've ever wanted of Blondie and Labyrinth together + flying dream sequences of mine.

‎"Fashion is meant to become unfashionable."
- Coco Chanel

Rest in peace, Abbey Lincoln

Abbey Lincoln (1930-2010)

Brand New Key, pair of roller skates

"A 8mm film done by my sister while
in high school for a class project
in the 70's with music by Melanie
that finally got edited to tape"

She was the fine peaches of summer in the snow of winter, and she was cool milk for cereal on a hot early-June morning.
-Ray Bradbury, "A Story of Love"

Read the full short story here.

Birthday show